


Terrified Of What I'd Be, As A Kid, From What I've Seen

by My_ChemicalKismesis



Series: Terrified Of What I'd Be [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abusive Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, M/M, Magic Powers, Nightmares, cloning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-01
Updated: 2019-04-24
Packaged: 2019-09-02 22:54:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16796305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_ChemicalKismesis/pseuds/My_ChemicalKismesis
Summary: Three years after the arrest of Bro, Dave decides he needs to get out of his apartment. His friend, Karkat Vantas offers him a place to stay.





	1. You can run away with me anytime you want

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Mentions of drugs, murder, forced suicide and child abuse.  
> Fic title and chapter title taken from Summertime by My Chemical Romance.

You remember that day three years ago as if it was yesterday. The police had come to your apartment because of a concerned neighbor who had seen you fighting Bro. Even though you were Eighteen, they saw that it had been like this since you were a child. They saw Bro had hurt you and starved you. They arrested him, a life sentence you believe. You were told they had also found out that he was guilty of murder. You really don’t know who he killed and you are not sure you want to know. You get knocked out of these dark thoughts by a ding from Pesterchum.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] started pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 3:03 

CG: GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP. 

TG: what are you doing up? 

CG: I AM ABOUT TO FUCKING SLEEP, YOUR OBNOXIOUS AS SHIT RED HANDLE JUST SHOWED IT WAS STILL ONLINE. I AM FUCKING CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR HEALTH. 

You don't think anyone's ever showed concern for your health before, not besides in a professional or legal way. It makes you feel guilty about staying up late and worrying him.

TG: okay dude ill sleep 

TG: no need to worry about little old me turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] 

You drift into unconsciousness surprisingly easily.  
Bro was manipulating the guards, puppets that danced around him as he pulled their strings in a sickening circus of pain. He slammed one to the ground and olive blood sprayed from the head of the troll. You wanted to vomit, yet you could do nothing. You tried to move forward and fight Bro in whatever way you can yet you can’t seem to move at all. You scream yet not a whisper is heard He gets closer, and closer to you. You can see a sick grin on his face, his eyes invisible behind the cold and pointed shades.  
You jolt awake, heavily aware of your own breathing in your small room. Your throat feels sore from screams. You hope getting on your laptop will help. You scroll through Tumblr for a bit, seeing nothing because you’re still enveloped in a blind panic.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] started pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 4:10 

CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING UP? 

TG: shit 

TG: i just 

TG: fuck 

You desperately want to call him, hear the voice of someone besides yourself in this house of trauma and pain.

CG: IS EVERYTHING OKAY? 

TG: hey do you wanna video chat? 

TG: i really dont want to be alone right now 

CG: TALKING SOUNDS NICE. I HAVEN’T REALLY TALKED TO ANYONE IN WEEKS. 

TG: cool 

You hit a button and call your friend. You see his face for the first time ever. He’s cute, with short curly hair framing his grey and darker human skin toned face. Tiny horns and bigger floppy ears stick out from his hair. His irises look red like your own but you’re pretty sure that’s not a possible blood color for trolls. Maybe they’re just Burgundy and the lighting is fucked up.  
“Dave, you look horrified. Is everything alright?”  
“Just had a nightmare, that’s all. I’m alright,” you say and you cringe at how shaky your voice sounds.  
“You clearly aren’t alright. Do you want to talk about it?”  
“I had a dream that my Bro, he escaped from prison. Google the arrest of Derrick Strider,” you say because you don’t think you can explain what happened on your own right now. You really don’t know why you’re telling Karkat this.  
“Child abuse, drug usage and dealing and murder? Jesus fuck. I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that the child was you?”  
“Ding ding ding, we have a winner. I fuckin hate being here in this god awful apartment. Everything brings back horrible memories of him, his swords and the fucking Smuppets. I want to get out of here, but I have no way to get the money. Art commissions online can only get you so much.”  
“I’ve been looking for a roommate.”  
“Wait, really?”  
“Yep. I live in my family’s house all alone. It’s fucking massive and I can’t afford to take care of it. The long corridors feel all to lonely, even if they once held mystery and wonder.”  
“Being roommates sounds fun, but I have no way to travel to you and bring all my shit.”  
“I could fly down there and help you move.”  
“Thanks man, you have no idea how much this means to me.” You watch him click on a few things on the computer.  
“I bought tickets, my flight leaves at six am and it’ll take two and a half hours. I keep a suitcase packed pretty much all the time, so I don’t need to pack. I’ll need to hang up while I drive to the airport but I can call you again once I’m there.”  
“Thanks man for doing this. You’re actually the best.”  
“It’s what friends are for. Now, I have to go now. Goodbye,” he tells you before hanging up.  
You sit for a few minutes, staring into the darkness that surrounds you. You know that the police didn’t properly search this place. Hell, you don’t even know how they let you keep living here. Bro probably bribed ‘em or some shit. You wonder what kinda shit Karkat is going to find when he helps you move.

CG: I’M AT THE AIRPORT NOW. DO YOU NEED ME TO CALL YOU BACK UNTIL MY FLIGHT LEAVES? 

You do want to call him, yet some part of you decides to say you’re fine on some fucked up impulse.

TG: nah bro im chill 

CG: WELL IF YOU NEED ME, JUST CALL. THIS PLANE HAS FREE WIFI. 

TG: ok 

You guess you should get to work moving. You open your closet and grab the suitcase you have in there that you’ve never used. You unzip it and shove some of your clothes in, not caring enough to fold them. You shove the rest in a cardboard box. You decide to pull out your phone and see what’s up online. You look at memes on Tumblr for a bit. Then someone decides to pester you.

tentacleTherapist [TT] started pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 5:06 

TT: Hello Dave, you are up rather early today. 

TT: I have predicted something about you today. 

TG: ugh more of the stupid seer bullshit 

TT: There will be a great change in your life, both physically and mentally. You will be close to someone like you have never before been, perhaps in a less than platonic way. 

TG: that first bit is right but uh shits gonna stay totally platonic 

TG: just two bros 

TG: wait no 

TG: that vine is gay 

TG: shit 

TG: just going to have a roomate is all 

TG: and they were roommates 

TG: wait fuck those guys were actually confirmed to be gay 

TG: uhh 

TT: It sounds to me like my prediction was accurate. No platonic feelings could be described with vine references like those. 

TG: no rose 

TG: hes just my friend 

TT: Whatever you say. 

TT: Though I must ask, how have things been? 

TG: had a shitty dream 

TG: things have mostly been good since my dad has been gone 

TT: Hm. Tell me, have you figured out your powers yet? 

TG: i used them once 

TG: i swore to never do it again TT: Why? 

TG: fuck 

TG: so i have time travel powers 

TT: Oh? 

TG: i used them once 

TG: the version of me who did 

TG: he died 

TT: That sounds bad. I see why you haven’t used these abilities. 

You glance at the clock and see Rose has been talking to for over an hour and a half now. Only two more hours until Karkat arrives.

TT: If you ever need to talk, I’m here. 

TG: ok 

TT: I have to leave now. 

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead at 6:45 

You guess you should eat breakfast. You reach behind your dresser and pull out an unopened bag of Doritos. You eat them quietly, still following your old habits. You toss the bag in the trash and open the door carefully. As it has been for years, the coast is clear. You turn the TV on and watch the news. A man was found dead in the local prison, the same as Bro. An eyewitness said he acted like a puppet as he died by his own hand. Fear rises in your throat. Bro killed, and he will again. He still can use magic, even in prison. Yet another reason to get the fuck out of here. You go back to packing, indiscriminately shoving most of your shit in a box while trying to ignore the fear rising in you.  
After god knows how long of packing, you just collapse on the floor beside the boxes and don’t bother trying to get up. You start crying, the slightest bit. If he gets out, he’ll find you. No matter where you go. You’ll never be safe. You should just stay here, no matter what he’ll find you. You think you just heard your phone buzz but you really don’t care. A knock is heard on your door. You should probably answer that in case it’s Bro because he’ll kick your ass less if you open it sooner. You open it and see Karkat, his tail nervously curling around his legs. Of course it’s him. Not Bro. You’re safe.  
“Dave? You look worse.”  
“Bro, he killed someone in prison. He still has his fucking powers, he’ll-” You start to cry so hard you can’t even finish that sentence. Fuck. You can’t be seen crying, Bro’ll kick your ass.  
“Dave, he won’t get out. The guards should be at least semi-fucking-competent.”  
“That’s the fucking issue. He fucking controls people, like a sick and twisted puppeteer.”  
“Dave, he won’t get out. I fucking promise you that.”  
“But-”  
“No fucking buts. Can I hug you?” You weakly nod. He hugs you, and you feel better. Still far from good or anything close to that. But better nonetheless.  
“Now let’s pack this shit up and get the fuck out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: nightmares and a few mentions of smuppets and drugs and swords.

You have no idea how to get all these swords out of here. You’ve never moved before, either. You’d grown up in the same old house and watched everyone leave.  
“Dave, do you plan on taking those swords because I have no fucking idea how to get them out of here?” you ask.  
“Fuck no. We are getting rid of those. You should be careful when going through the cabinets and drawers and shit. They have fucked up shit in them.”  
“What kind of fucked up shit?”  
“Drugs, sex puppets, other fucked up shit. I don’t fuckin know man. I’d say we should just leave most shit here. Technically my uncle or older brother or someone owns this place so we only need to take what we need, really. I don’t have much here that I need, aside from clothes and a few electronics. I would like to have my turntables but I have no idea how we’re even getting my shit from point a to point b.”  
“I could either google and see if we could hire a moving truck or something, I’ve never moved houses. I could also ask my friend with teleportation abilities if she could help me.”  
“I’d say probably ask the friend.”  
“Got it.”

carcinoGeneticist started pestering gardenGnostic at 8:50 

CG: HEY JADE, COULD YOU TELEPORT SOMETHING FROM TEXAS TO NORTH CAROLINA? 

GG: i could if i have a photo of the starting area and the destination 

GG: why do you ask? 

CG: I’M HELPING MY NEW ROOMMATE MOVE. 

CG: I’LL SEND A PHOTO WHEN I’M DONE. 

GG: ok! 

CG: THANKS.

“When we’re done, my friend can teleport it if I send a photo.”  
“Cool.”   
You get to work packing, carefully placing Dave’s things in boxes while Dave shoves them in boxes with no care.   
After an hour, you have everything packed.

CG: READY. 

\--carcinoGeneticist sent two images!!-- 

You watch the packages vanish, hopefully to your living room.

GG: i can teleport you too if youd like! 

You’d hate to accept something like this but you aren’t sure if you’d have money after plane tickets.  
“Dude, do you want my friend to teleport us too?”  
“I’m cool with that.”

\--carcinoGeneticist sent an image!!-- 

CG: THANKS FOR HELPING. 

GG: its no problem 

GG: but you two need to hold hands to make this easier. “She says we need to hold hands to teleport easier,” you tell Dave. You two awkwardly hold hands. 

CG: READY. 

You feel a strange weightlessness, followed by a weird nausea. You two collapse onto your floor, unable to stand for a second.  
“Yo dude is this your bedroom?” Dave asks. It’s a bit messier than usual, with one book out of place on the floor. He’s looking at your movie posters, mischief just barely visible on his face.  
“Yes it is. I’ll show you to your room,” you grab him and drag him out of the room, in the direction of the guest room. You hadn’t been in it for a while but it should be fine. You open the door a crack and find yourself met with a strong sense of mold. You open the door the rest of the way and see that the window had been left open god knows how long ago. “Fuck. We have other guest rooms but nobody’s been in some for a good fifty years,” you mention, thinking about how this house seems weirdly large. “Since the rest of my family left, I’ve only really been in the necessary rooms. I guess we could share my bed for tonight and in the morning we could try and see if any of the guest rooms are good to live in.”  
“Hell yeah. It’ll be like a sleepover. I think. I’ve never had one.”  
“Do you want me to give you a tour of the town?”  
“Hell yeah.” You show him to the door and you walk outside. Looking at the old house next door and seeing the faded violet paint reminds you of all those years ago, when that house was a home to a family. You try not to think about it too much, he’s gone now. He’s famous and he probably wouldn’t even want to bother with talking to you now. You begin to walk into town, pushing away thoughts of old friends.  
“For whatever reason, the people of the town don’t really seem to like or trust me.” As you say that, a guy eyes you suspiciously.  
“Oh yeah, I see a guy giving you a weird look.”  
“This is the town hall, old as shit and full of spiders.” Spiders, reminding you of yet another old friend. Everyone moves as soon as they can. Always. “This is the best restaurant in town. And the only one that doesn’t seem to be surprised I eat, everytime I go in there. I have no clue what the fuck is wrong with the people in this town.”  
“That seems shitty as hell.”  
“Yeah, and this is the cemetary. I can’t find any of my family in there, even though they’ve lived here for a long time.”  
“Dude, what if you’re like a vampire or something secretly?”  
“That’s fucking hilarious. And here’s the museum. And here’s a candy store, we have all the small southern town charm. And there’s some other businesses and restaurants, but that’s really all of the town, except for the grocery store. Which we should probably go to, so you can have food.”  
“Sounds like a good idea.”  
You buy some food and shit and go home. You cook a small meal and watch some bullshit on TV for a bit.  
When it comes time to sleep, you attempt to sleep. You and Dave have a wall of pillows between you.  
It seems neither of you can sleep like this, and no matter how hard you try to convince him to do something else, he sleeps on the floor. That can’t be comfortable.  
You wake up in the night to Dave screaming and crying. He’s having a nightmare. You try to wake him.  
“Fuck, I didn’t wanna wake ya, Kat.”  
“Fuck that, you were having a nightmare,” you pull him into a hug and he starts to sob into your shoulder. You try to move into a more comfortable position than the way you two are sitting in an awkward hug. Dave fell back asleep a few minutes later, and you try to get him back on the floor and under blankets but he won’t let go of you. Guess you’re sleeping on the floor tonight.  
“Mornin, sleepyhead,” Dave’s voice greets you as you open your eyes. You two are laying in a tangle of limbs and blankets on your floor.  
“Fuck, I am never sleeping on the floor again,” you complain, your back hurting from the discomfort of a pile of blankets on the floor.  
“I second that.”  
“I’m gonna go make breakfast.” You end up making pancakes. “Do you want some pancakes?”  
“Fuck yeah!” You end up making a few too many pancakes, though Dave seems more than happy to eat the rest.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Nightmares, a strife, Bro being a shithead, and transphobia.

When it comes to be night, you and Karkat end up needing to figure out the sleeping situation once more. You two end up just deciding to share the bed since neither of you wants to sleep on the floor and there’s not really a more obvious solution.   
\----  
A dark figure flits in and out of the shadows of the forest. You approach, holding your breath in case of a danger. As you turn, a force strikes you in the back.   
“Miss me?” a deep voice that’s much like your own asks you.   
“Fuck off, Bro.”   
“Well, someone finally grew a pair it seems,” he gives a reply, targeting your dysphoria.   
“You heard what I said, I’ll repeat it again though, fuck off.”   
“How about a Strife, for old times sake lil bro?”   
“How about fuck no,” you say, your mouth on autopilot. You’d never say these things, you might as well just kill yourself instead of saying this shit.   
“Too motherfucking bad.” You spin around, but you can’t seem to uncaptchalogue your blade, no matter how hard you try. You watch helplessly as Bro runs a sword through your stomach. You gasp, before you go limp. Your last sight is a horrified Karkat, watching you bleed out on the ground. Bro’s walking towards him from behind. He’s going to kill him. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. You try crying out his name but you can’t. You’re dead now.   
“Dave, wake up,” the Karkat kneeling beside your corpse tells you. Your eyes flicker shut in your dream as you let out a dying breath, before you open your eyes once more and you see the ceiling of Karkat’s room. “Dave, are you awake?”   
“Fuck, yeah I am.”   
“You were shouting my name in your sleep and you were crying? Are you okay?”   
“Not really, but it’s fine.”   
“No it fucking isn’t fine. If you’re upset that isn’t fine.” I guess he’s right.   
“No, really. That dream was just like most of the ones I have.”  
“And? That doesn’t fucking mean anything. If it made you upset then it’s bad.”   
“It was just a dream, I have nightmares like every night.”   
“Dave, that’s not normal or good. I may not be a therapist, unlike a friend of mine, but I can help. And I think talking will probably help. I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do, though.”   
“No, you’re right. I should talk about this. It was a dream like a lot of the rest. I’m strifing Bro, he kills me. This happens in most of my nightmares. This time though, you were there. You were watching me die in the dream. Bro was going to kill you two.”   
“Holy fuck, that’s a really fucking shitty dream.”   
“Hey, I’m fine now.”   
“I guess… It’s like four, are you going to try to get back to sleep, if you can?”   
“I’m going to try.”   
You can’t get back to sleep. You’ve been lying awake for an hour now, and you haven’t been able to sleep. You watch as a bug flies into the room and quickly leaves again. You’re hungry, maybe you should eat something. You slip out of bed, trying not to wake Karkat and tiptoe into the kitchen. You’re good at sneaking around, and as far as you can tell Karkat is still asleep. You grab a bag of chips and eat it quietly as possible. You grab some other food to hide. You find a small hole in the wall with a bigger hidden compartment beside it. Carefully, you shove the food in, wincing at the crinkle of plastic packaging.   
“Huh, who’s there?” Karkat asks, clearly half asleep.   
“Shit, didn’t mean to wake ya’.”   
“Dave, what the fuck are you doing?”   
“Nothin! Nothin at all!”   
“I’m going to try to get back to sleep.”   
“I’m going to try to sleep in jus’ a sec.” You get back into the bed and try to sleep. You are unsuccessful though. It seems Karkat is the same. By now it’s five-thirty and you still aren’t asleep.   
“Dave, are you still awake?” Karkat whispers.   
“Yeah.” I don’t think either of us are going to get any more sleep.”   
“It’s probably Six now, that’s a reasonable time to be awake.”   
“Yeah, I guess it is. Breakfast time, I guess.” You get out of the bed and make your way to the kitchen.   
“There’s a place that serves pretty fucking great biscuits that’s only a five minute walk, wanna go there?”   
“Fuck yeah.”   
And so you two find yourselves at a small family diner at fuck o’ clock in the morning. You two end up sharing a giant ass thing of pancakes.


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Nepeta, 

I have something to tell you. You were not born alongside Karkat and then separated for many years before losing your memory. Karkat and Kankri are not my biological children. The Signless was married to another man, a troll titled The Inventor. This troll was murdered when Karkat was one, and Kankri was three. He was murdered by a man who was named Strider, and I think his first name started with D. I then ended up dating The Signless not too long after this. You two are clones of us, and when you were magically cloned (i think the woman we went to was named Roxanne Lalonde). It worked out that you were the exact same age as the other two children, resulting in us saying you were twins that were separated at birth. Signless loved his husband, but he wanted to put his past behind him. This is why I am only just telling you this. I expect Signless to inform the boys shortly. 

Love, The Disciple 

D Strider? Like Equius’ boyfriend’s brother? His last name is Strider, and his first name is just D. He has swords, but why would he kill him? Surely he wouldn’t. Yeah. It must be someone else. Your moirail’s boyfriend’s brother can’t have killed your half-brother’s other father. Yeah. He wouldn’t do it. He seems nice. You know why he was killed though. Signless was famous, one of the few activists for interspecies rights. And mutant troll rights. He was a walking target, before The Psiioniic’s helming. After his best friend was taken, he nearly vanished. You run a tongue over your sharp fangs, and wonder exactly how much of Signless’ genes you inherited. It typically awakens anywhere between birth and death or even after death, so you guess you won’t know, possibly ever. Enough about your father, you need to talk to Mr. Strider about this, in case he is that D Strider. You enter the Strider-Lalonde family diner/store. He’s working behind the bar today.  
“Nepeta. Hey.”  
“Sir, we need to talk.”  
“Ok? Sup?”  
“My mother sent me a letter, and it says my half brother’s father was killed by someone with the last name Strider, who’s first name starts with D.”  
“Look, I didn’t anyone. Or, well, no, but I didn’t kill him. I’d only kill someone with good reason. Wait. Fuck. I know who did it. What’s his name?” He pulls out his phone.  
“The Inventor.”  
“Fuck. Yep. It was my brother, Derrick. I have no association with him. None at all. Not after he killed Dave. I already hated him.”  
“Oh. I’m sorry about whoever Dave is. Wait. Do you have a family member named Roxanne Lalonde? My mother says she’s the scientist who cloned me and my sister.”  
“Roxanne is my sister. Roxy’s a clone of her. Dave was a clone of me. Dirk is a clone of Derrick. Rose is a clone of Roe. Hal is a clone of Dirk.”  
“So he’s a clone of a clone?”  
“Yep. If he were to be cloned, that would be a clone of a clone of a clone.”  
“D! Get back to work,” his twin sister shouts at him. You always just thought they all looked strangely similar. She even has the same makeup as Rose. She probably just taught her that, makeup isn’t a genetic trait.  
“Bye!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while, but I updated. A lot of the plot requires Dave and Karkat to be a couple, but I want that to be kinda slow burn. So yeah, I kinda don't know what to write until then. Also, Karkat lives in a fictional small town, just far enough out of Raleigh that that house isn't too expensive. This scene takes place in Raleigh or Durham. I'm not sure which.  
> The Signless and The Inventor were able to have a child because The Signless is trans. The Disciple is too.  
> I think I want to change the name of the fic, though I'm not sure what to call it. Any suggestions? I'd prefer lyrics from MCR, P!ATD, FOB, Lemon Demon or Hozier Songs.

**Author's Note:**

> I have pretty much no knowledge of how planes work.  
> Characters and what they are (certain things may not be true, due to plot points I do not want to spoil.):  
> Karkat  
> Species:Half Troll, Half Human, Part ???.  
> Powers: Blood Manipulation, Some shit related to relationships  
> Dave  
> Species: Human  
> Powers: Time travel  
> Rose  
> Species: Human  
> Powers: Seer who makes strangely accurate predictions. Practices witchcraft. Can communicate with Horrorterrors.  
> Jade  
> Species: A mix of a lot of different species, not sure exactly what she is. She appears mostly human though.  
> Powers: Space stuff, can make predictions like how she saw stuff in Skaia in canon. Able to shape-shift or something, so she can appear more doglike. Can go full-dog but rarely does it. (Bec also exists)  
> Nepeta  
> Species: Part troll, part human, Part shapeshifter, Part ???.  
> Powers: Can turn into a cat. Other things too, probably. I don't know.  
> I will write more as others appear in the story.


End file.
